You Can’t Be a Dominant If You Don’t Do This…
When I sit down to start writing my next blog on Dominant behaviour I started to explain what it means to be Dominant. And I thought back to so many questions I get via emails each week
which start like this:
I want to be a _______________ but I don’t do ______________.
And it seems to me, that at least 98% of the time the answer to that question is…. SO?
I mean sure there are exceptions. If you don’t like any pain are you a masochist? Probably not, not if you don’t like ANY pain. But if you like only some pain and you call yourself that – great!
But more of the questions I get are nuanced, such as:
- Can I be a Dominant and not like to flog people? Yes
- Can I be a masochist if I only like thuddy pain? Yes
- Can I be a baby girl if I don’t like cartoons and colouring? Yes
- Can I be a Master if I am nurturing? Yes
- Can I be a Daddy if I’m a woman? Yes
- Can I do rope/impact/edge play without sex? Yes
- Can I be bisexual if I don’t have sex with my gender? Yes
Sure there will always be people out there that want to put their interpretation of a label on you. Those people can go pound sand. I get comments ad nauseam about how I don’t do things the right way. There of course, is no right way.
There’s no certification or test you can take to get registered as a Dominant or submissive.
The one caveat is that if you chose a label you need to define what that means to you. So when meeting new partners, establishing new dynamics or even negotiating a scene. If you call yourself a masochist you need to specify what pain. If you call yourself a Dominant you need to establish what control you want and what control you don’t want. There are a lot of people who call themselves something just to get what they want with no intention of actually clarifying or following through on the promise. AND THIS is why we see dynamics fail in my opinion.
So its my stance that you should choose the label that best fits you. Then communicate the specifics of your interpretation of that label to people who need to know. And ask questions, ask questions, ask questions and talk. Look before you leap.