5 things I struggled through when I began my journey through Polyamory
This is a great post we are sharing from the wonderful Daddysboundangel. I was reading some things I wrote but never posted, from when Daddy and I first began our polyamory journey. They were so gut-wrenching to read, and I’m so thankful we’ve grown past those emotions and difficulties. As I read through them I noticed a trend in my behaviors that put a lot of unnecessary strain on O/our relationships.
1- Insecurity was the most common theme of every last one of those journals.
I was so afraid that I was losing my place in His life. Over and over he reassured the fuck out of me, and I refused to listen. I heard Him, but I didn’t listen. He gave me every single tool I needed to succeed but I refused them. Polyamory is a whole different beast, and if you can’t learn to feel secure, it may not be an option for your current relationship.
2- Jealousy was a close runner-up, and for me, it was bred from my insecurity.
Ultimately it wasn’t any of the things they did or said with each other. It was the fear and insecurity that they would come to replace the things W/we said and did. It never did, it was never going to, and had I simply taken the time to logically talk my way out of that place it wouldn’t have been so damn hard on me.
3- Projection was another thing that I kept struggling with.
I would take my feelings and manipulate them on to my partners and then ask them “what’s wrong with you”. I was completely unaware of it in the moment, and looking back I can identify so many interactions and disagreements that spiraled because of this.
4- Internalization is still one I tend to struggle with from time to time.
If my Daddy, or our other partner is having a hard time I make it my fault. It could literally have nothing to do with me, and I feel in the way or guilty for no reason. Other times I think it’s something I have to try and fix, and in reality it’s none of my business.
5- Control… I know crazy for a submissive to want to control everything, but fear can make people try.
I wanted to try and control other people’s emotions, and keep tethers on hearts. The first time I watched my partner experience NRE and I lost my ever loving mind. Not because I cared that they developed feelings for each other, but because I had zero control over it. The illusion of control is a security blanket though, and ultimately the only thing we actually have control over is ourselves.
Polyamory has become more natural for me.
Sure I still feel tiny blips of these negative behaviours creep up. Now I have the ability to see them for what they are, and realign myself around Daddy, and our partner. I let them wrap me up in extra hugs, let them tell me I’m special to them and lean on my tribe. They are my people, and I keep them all close. If you’re struggling with these things now, don’t give up. One day you’ll look through your memories and realize it was all worth it.