How to fuck someone while they’re sleeping (and other useful tidbits)
I trust my partner with my body completely (as long as he keeps the taser away from me). He has my permission to play with me and initiate sex with me while I’m sleeping/sleepy. A few weeks ago he started playing with me in my sleep and when I woke up it freaked me out just how much I could sleep through. I’d had a couple of gin and tonics before bed and was in a fairly heavy sleep even if my body was responding positively and encouragingly. The next morning we talked about my feelings and how it was a little triggering, and discussed what would make me more comfortable, because I really do want to overcome my triggers completely.
Last weekend, his birthday weekend, I wanted him to wake me up by playing with me. It didn’t happen because I didn’t get to sleep quickly enough, but here’s my top tip for dealing with triggering situations with a survivor of sexual abuse, in my case, being woken up for/by sex.
Talk about sleep fucking first!
This way it makes it a healing experience, where you know that your partner is playing within boundaries you’ve discussed and understands how you might react. There was no element of surprise. I was in bed, ready and waiting to be woken up. So take it slow. Be prepared to take a step back and talk. And keep communication open, don’t give up at the first hurdle.
A little context…
When I was raped by ‘Subject A‘, I’d had consensual (but not enjoyable) sex with him earlier that evening and he’d fallen asleep. I had nowhere to go, so I slept too, waiting to be dropped off in the morning. We’d used a condom the times I consented, but the other 3 times he forced it in, no condom, no foreplay, no gentle waking up, he just rolled right on top of me and forced it in. I was in a bad way the next day, swollen and achy and confused.
I’m not trying to say ‘treat survivors of sexual abuse like delicate little flowers’.
What I am saying is that in any relationship, with any dynamic, even if someone wants to be your slave or your human toilet, you can pop out of that dynamic to discuss the ins and outs, the Ts and Cs. If you know they’ve had a bad experience, ask them about it, if they’re comfortable opening up about it, don’t just go straight in there with pushy, persistent sex talk. We’re all human beings and we all deserve respect.
It’s difficult being completely submissive if you’ve been abused in the past.
But I get so much out of letting go and giving my partner complete control. Another technique I find relaxing is covering myself up – hiding under a pillow so I can’t see myself and can detach what I’m seeing from what I’m physically feeling. He knows this and encourages this. It takes a hell of a lot of time to get to know anyone, and it takes a lot of time for survivors to get to know their triggers and their comforts, so patience is key. My advice: don’t bother toying with a survivor. We need commitment, loyalty, reliability, and these things take time to grow. We need to know ourselves so we can tell you what’s ok and what’s not ok.
I feel like in saying “tonight I’m going straight to sleep” and discussing what I meant by saying that opened the door for me.
I don’t want to be limited by triggers. I want to over come them, and I need to be willing to put in the work and effort to do so! So hopefully, together we’ll get it right and I can start to let go a little more each time and let my fantasy of submitting completely and unconditionally become a reality 🙂