My partner is autistic. This is how we work things out
My partner is autistic. I’m not, so I can only talk about what communication is like between the two of us. We don’t always get each other straight away. Sometimes it takes a notebook.
When he’s trying to explain something he wants to make, he says he can describe it “very badly”. I ask questions, then draw it out or cut shapes up so we can picture it. My brain sees things in 3D and works things through logically, so that’s a natural way for me to help.
He told me that it makes him feel I’m interested in his ideas, and helps him visualise them too. I like that. We’re not just trying to get the words right; we’re making something we can both look at and understand.
Say what you mean
He prefers people to get to the point, especially in sensitive conversations. He’d rather hear what someone feels or wants than have them soften it so much that the meaning gets lost.
He also likes confirmation that I’ve understood him. Follow-up questions help him explain what he means and check that we’re on the same page. He likes to know why a question is being asked.
There’s a balance, though. He says lots of questions at once can be overwhelming. A one-word “Why?” can be difficult, while a fuller question gives him more to work with.
That’s good for me to know. I can ask what I need to ask, but I don’t have to fire off every question in my head at once. I can explain what I’m asking about, then give him time to answer.
A quiet moment doesn’t always mean I’ve done something wrong
At first, when he went quiet or struggled to get the words out, I worried I’d done something wrong. He says that sometimes he needs a couple of seconds to organise his thoughts. He may also find it hard to know or say what he needs in that moment.
He says patience, reassurance and not making a big deal of it help. For us, that might mean a hug. Sometimes I’ll take the piss a little to get a giggle and help shift his mindset. He understands I’m trying to help him stop worrying, and he finds it funny.
That works because it works for him. I wouldn’t assume teasing is the right response for somebody else.
We still misunderstand each other. There have been lots of occasions where I’ve read something one way and we’ve had to talk it through and reframe it. That’s how we get back on the same page: not by guessing perfectly, but by explaining what we meant.
Sometimes the helpful thing is a hand
Unfamiliar public places can make him tense while he takes in his surroundings and checks that he feels safe. I might hold out my hand so he can stay close, give him a hug, or introduce him to someone. Those are small things I can do to help him feel grounded.
I’m learning not to treat every pause as a problem I need to solve. Sometimes he needs a moment. Sometimes a question helps. Sometimes we need to draw the idea out. And sometimes a hand or a hug says enough.
This is what works between us. My partner’s autistic, but his answers are his own; they don’t speak for every autistic person or every couple. For us, being clear, giving each other a little time, and talking again when we’ve misunderstood makes a difference.
