I have it on good authority from female friends that when it’s done right, dirty talk can be extremely hot. It can even be the catalyst for sending a woman into the orgasm she’s been teetering on the brink of for the past 20 minutes.
Why do men find dirty talk so difficult?
It’s partly because while we are known for being porn lovers and are quick to respond to visual stimuli, we don’t have the same aural G-spot as women. Also, there’s still a negative, puritanical message about sex in society, as a counter to that, we now have a huge proliferation of porn and sleazy sex. So we have a prude-and-porn dichotomy with no in-between: The alternative to unappealing sleaze is to be overly restrained.
In other words, we’re scared of sounding pervy.
After all, experts say erotic banter enhances sex for both speaker and listener. And the fact that some have coined terms like lalochezia (using vulgar language to relieve tension) and laliophilia (arousal from public speaking) suggests there’s something to this sex-and-speech link.
So where to start?
Lesson one: Timing is essential. One thing men get wrong is they go off too early, For a woman to be comfortable with anything sexually unconventional, she needs to be very turned on. Often, the best time to let loose is well into a sex session, when you’re both flooded with sex hormones.
During foreplay, you want to be more romantic, If you go straight in with ‘Ah, you’re such a hot bitch, I want to bang you right here and now,’ she’ll go, ‘Eww. Inappropriate.’ Keep it mild at first—make her feel desirable.
So what constitutes mild?
Lesson two: OK, let’s say I just came home from work. You look me straight in the eye. Lowering your voice so it resonates, say: ‘Get upstairs.’ She winks, and drops a semitone. ‘I want to disrobe you and see your parts exposed and touch them…’Er, did she really just say parts? ” I can think of exes whose response to that would be ‘You’re scaring me!’ ”
Lesson three: What to do if your attempt backfires. Just smile and say, ‘Come here and give me a hug. I hope I didn’t offend you—are you OK?’ remember, you can’t fake this. It has to be genuine, coming from within.
Lesson four: Hopefully your fear of talking dirty has been reduced, and you have a fresh perspective. Dirty talk is all about audacity: creative freedom, boldness. As with dancing, heckling, or wearing a skin-tight cycling outfit, a faint-hearted approach makes prophecies of egg-on-face humiliation self-fulfilling. It’s all about timing and gusto, as Friends’ Ross would agree. Later in that episode, he gloats over his sexual liberation: “It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard,” he says.
“There were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif. At one point there were villagers.” So, if he could do it…
HERE’S HOW TO DO YOUR PART
/Gush, Wildly. Men are simple creatures. A compliment about our physiology (yep, size-related) or prowess will do us. Lie, if necessary.
/Keep it Positive. If either of you says things the other doesn’t like, say so—gently. Try, “Oh, I don’t really like that word. But I loved it when you said…”
/Be Responsive. When a guy is doing the talking, a little lusty moaning from his partner is precious reassurance. As opposed to, say, asking if he remembered to let the cat out.
/Expand Your Vocab. Surprise is the key, so you need to keep pushing the envelope. After the compliments—”Your chest is so sexy”—move on to what you’d like to do to him and end with where, exactly, you’d like him to put his massive…
/Debrief. Post-sex is an excellent time to talk about what you both liked, what worked, and any issues that might have come up.
/Get Creative. Dominance and submission work for some. Others prefer role-playing or erotic poetry, even. Just see where it takes you.