BDSM is what you make of it

There are hundreds of kinks and you have to find what works for you in BDSM. Maybe look into The New Topping and New Bottoming Books.

Now a few terms from me that you should know:

Look up the BDSM safety and video tutorials of everything you try with risk, (not porn), even ‘light’ bondage or cuffs could cause nerve damage if tied wrong or left too long. Recommend getting safety shears. Never leave a tied person alone or try to sleep like that. Feeling numbness or tingling get free immediately.

Start small, maybe each type out an ideal 500 word BDSM fantasy for the two of you and go from there. As for the rest, roll with it and laugh it sounds like a bad porn script or is weird.

Top: Person performing an action in a scene.

Bottom: Person receiving an action in a scene.

Dominant-Dom (Domme/Domina for females): Person who has agreed to take control of the scene and commanding the sub within limits of both people. More mental then physical though both are important.

Submissive (sub): Person who consents to not be equals in a scene and do what the dominant wants. Within established limits and agreed activities. Random surprises in a scene are not a good idea.

Switch: People who like to both Dom/Domme and sub depending on their mood and/or type of scene. Switching mid-scene is more rare but can be done with couples who know each other well.

Not all Tops are Doms/Dommes and not all subbing is from the bottom. For example a girlfriend could be a Domme but like to be spanked. In that case she would tell her boyfriend exactly when/where/with what/how hard/how often to spank her. The boyfriend is a Sadist Top, doing the spanking but only to obey her, the Masochist Domme. He might wear a leash she can pull on to remind him whose in charge.

Review/establish hard & soft limits and safewords protocols if you don’t already have them.

Red=Stop NOW!

Yellow=Minor issue please pause to hear why.

Green=Keep Going.

Every once in a while check in especially if it’s a new activity by asking “Colour?” Doms can safeword too if need be.

Hard limits are things you never want to even consider, both of you should respect the other one’s and not bring it up again unless they do. Don’t like mixing pee and sex? (Watersports), then hard limit it. if things change over time maybe bring it up but still respect the other person not being into it.

Soft limits are things you are nervous about but are willing to work your way up too. Never done anal before? Buy a butt plug and carefully wear it for 10 minutes each day, increasing the time as you get more comfortable. Then slowly take her yourself.

Aftercare: Snuggling and cuddling as normal people again after a scene to ‘come down’ after the intensity of a scene. Doms/Tops need it too. What is in it will vary from person to person. Blankets, water and chocolate are a good basic package. And praise for each other, a lot of it. Talk about a scene again after you are both restored to see what worked and what didn’t. Aftercare is needed to prevent the dreaded Drop. (Subdrop but Doms can get it too).

Drop: All the fun chemicals in your brain going away from a scene. Negative emotions and thoughts like sadness and maybe even disgust might pop in your head but it’s probably just the coming down effect in your mind. Communication and aftercare are needed with your partner to prevent this in both of you. Drop can sometimes hit a few days later so check yourself. Personal experience: first scenes on a Friday night, drop didn’t hit until Monday night/Tuesday morning, I needed to sleep it off. Irritable for no reason and out of step with the rest of the world, felt like a bad day no matter where I went.

Let me be clear about punishments and funishments. Punishments are something the sub honestly hates that are done for breaking a rule/protocol. But they can STILL safeword out if they feel unsafe or the Dom isn’t listening to why they broke the rules. Not all punishments are sexual it could be boring like writing lines 100 times. They are typically used if you have outside the bedroom aspects to D/s . NEVER use punishments out of genuine anger or resentment for obvious reasons.

FUNishments are things the sub likes but pretends to break rules over to set up the scene. E.g. I didn’t wear blue today so I deserve a spanking! Subs that like to tease or make the Dominant ‘work’ for obedience are Brats.

D/s could be attractive for many different reasons. Pleasure of being someone’s lust toy, the trust that you can share a desire not to be equals with someone who some people will never understand, the power and control of another within limits, relaxing your mind and just doing what the Dominant wants, earning praise of someone you love etc.

Next part is written as female Domme and male sub but can be flipped around.

What kind of Domme do you want to be? What does he respond to best? Have safewords in place and review limits just in case.

Nurturing: “Be a good boy and lick my special spot, the lady juice just means you’re doing a good job!” “I’m so proud of you for making me cum!”

Mocking/Degrader: “If I was fingering myself I’d have cum twice by now! You think that little tongue wagging is going to get me wet? Harder and faster you dumbass!”

Sadist:”I’m going to spank your ass while your down there and it’s going to turn bright red and bruised, whine all you want but don’t stop licking or I make it worse.” For every 10 minutes I don’t cum that’s 5 whacks with my hairbrush after on your ass.”

Nurturing Sadist: “I know it hurts but it makes me so happy you’re taking so much in dedication to me. I’ll give you a break for two minutes, then just 10 more spanks, I know you can do it! After I promise to rub the lotion on your bruises and kiss them better. I’m proud of you.”

Tease and deny him: “I’m going to sit on your face while your hands are tied/cuffed! I’m going to keep jerking you off until I feel like stopping, don’t care if your sensitive after you cum, it makes me wet so I’m going to make you squirm! For extra effect every time he cums, immediately drop your pussy in his face so he knows orgasm=your scent & taste. You can also make him give you oral for every time he cums after. Make him thank you after.

Rub him out while he’s still in his underwear and make him stay all wet in them afterwards because he is so dirty and it amuses you to see him in nothing but wet underpants. (Shower after).

Dirty talk/ownership: This is where you belong isn’t it? You belong to me. You have stress outside here but the people at work don’t know this is who you really are right? This is what you crave inside, being covered in marks and lady juice from me isn’t it? You like the smell/taste/warmth don’t you? Tell me how much of a dirty boy you are. Admit it, you love being my living sex toy.

Sensory: Blindfolds, gags, earplugs to remove senses to heighten anticipation. Need a new way to safeword, i.e. dropping something noisy like a cat toy or gesture with his arms if they’re not tied. Tickling. Ice and hot wax (check the safety) for temperature fun. Gags are not really for rookies until trust and alternate safeword ready.

Role play: This can take many forms. Its make-believe for adults. Nurse costumes, a leash, a teacher’s ruler, whatever you need to set the scene. Laugh if you need too but once you hit yours and his scenario you’ll know.

Body worship: Make him kneel on the floor naked and kiss your feet/heels/boots. Put them close together and tell him his lips are not allowed to leave your skin so he must drag them over from side to side as he shifts from foot to foot.

Whip cream/other such food on your feet/nipples. Not your crotch it causes UTI. Lemon juice if you want to make him squirm but he wants you in his mouth so bad he’ll do it (within limits of course).

Forbid him from touching himself while doing this, make him beg to put any part of you in his mouth because he’s so horny. If you can reach the top of his head, dig your nails in slightly and massage the scalp. Trust me he’ll probably melt.

Service subbing: This is BDSM for outside the bedroom, doing household chores to earn praise of the dominant. Get him naked to vacuum while you ‘ignore’ him clothed while reading on the sofa. He cooks for you and eats at your feet during meals alone at home, etc.

A little subtle outside the bedroom game to signal/turn you both on, (written as male Dom and female sub):when you as sub wear sandals to go out, the Dom expects at some point that she will ‘casually’ slip both feet out and be barefoot in front of others briefly as a symbol of the Dom’s control even when others don’t know; and a symbol the sub is horny and will be ready to be barefoot and naked at home whenever the Dom orders. Bonus if the sub’s toenails are painted a color the Dom ordered, fingers too. A little game to let him know you are still attracted to him and feel up to sex when you set that up.

BDSM is about fun being safe, sane and consensual!

If you want to get out into the local community join Fetlife (bdsm Facebook not a dating site) and look for munches nearby. Munches are public (vanilla) gatherings of kinksters at a restaurant as platonic friends like a hobby group. TNG The Next Generation for the under 30/35 people in some areas; should there be a TNG there’s probably a separate older munch. Not for speed dating or a meat market. 90% of the talk isn’t even kink. Good for getting a vibe off others and learning about the other kinky events later on including classes on how to rope, bootblack or maybe even flog. If you want to read about the different events and what communities may be like first; check out the book Playing Well With Others.