Everyday Survivor Struggles

Some days as a survivor are really really bad.

Some days I mentally high five myself for not letting my past take over my life

But some days are just in the middle. The days when you’re not panicking, but you feel exhausted from brave facing it.

Today I looked at my abuser’s OKC page. I’ve blocked him on my profile but it’s still visible when I’m not logged in, and it’s like picking at a scab. Only when it’s fully healed are we able to resist the temptation to reopen an old wound.

I’m finding coping mechanisms to help with the day-to-day. I’ve started drawing, I’m learning about chakra balancing, and I have a pile of receipts next to me which I’m writing off as ‘distraction’. I’m asking about how my friends are, and trying to help with their problems, rather than constantly being the burden and constantly being stuck in my own head. I’m also keeping a tally of how many days I can go without crying. I reached 3 days and I’m starting over after a slip up this morning and I can’t even remember exactly what caused it.

It’s hard when you know you have a long way to go and you’re already completely shattered. You feel like giving up. You feel like drowning because you don’t know how to swim so there would be no going back. You think of your niece and nephew and that stops you thinking about death, because their smiles are worth living for, even if you only see them once or twice a month.

You talk a survivor about their experiences but you keep brave facing it to be supportive towards them. You decide you’re going to bottle things up and get on with living in denial of the trauma you’ve been through. Being raped just once is too many times, and you’ve been through it more times than that.

You feel sorry for yourself as your pyjamas soak up fresh tears of…

• Grief.
• Despair.
• Disbelief.
• Anger.
• Regret.
• Self blame.
• Numbness.
• Loneliness.
• Self hate.
• Rejection.
• Abandonment.
• Neglect.
• Shame.

And then you pick up the pile of receipts. You make your bed and get ready for work. You have a shower to wash the tears away and make yourself feel nice. You have some breakfast even though you already know you’ll only eat half of it. You don’t play any music. You get on with work. And nobody, unless they’re reading this, is any wiser of how hard it was for you to get up and get on with your day.

Rape is not a joke. Consent is not a joke. PLEASE can we stop brushing this all under the carpet.

I’m growing sick of the injustice of the fact that I am struggling with this every day and Z is going about his daily life thinking he’s done nothing wrong, that he’s a player, a lady’s man, a catch, hot stuff and all the rest. He’s a rapist.

Having non consensual sex is rape.

CNC is not rape. Don’t mix them up. Fucking it up just one time could fuck someone’s life up as much as mine. It’s not that difficult not to be a rapist.