DNA testing to see if you partner has cheated
Have your partners knickers DNA tested today 😛
DNA testing company the Paternity Lab Center has come up with an ingenious (re: horrifying) way to identify unfaithful partners: for
a mere $200, the good folks at Infidelity DNA Testing will test a pair of your partner’s panties for telltale traces of semen. Although most of the company’s clients are men, women can also test their husbands or boyfriends’ underwear for traces of vaginal fluids.
According to the company’s website, there are two forms of infidelity DNA testing: semen testing using a prostate specific antigen (PSA) test, and testing for female DNA. For the PSA test, the process works by testing whether semen is present in the sample, ensuring its viability for DNA extraction, and doing a final comparison to confirm the DNA belongs to the right person. The site also suggests that you use the service to find out if your son or daughter is having sex, although that should probably be the least of your concerns if you’re batshit enough to go diving into your kids’ laundry baskets for a pair of used underwear.
Although some might cringe at the sleaziness of the company’s methods, the service touts itself as providing “indisputable evidence” of partners’ infidelity (except, you know, if your partner is having sex with a condom, or if he/she/ze is simply not stupid enough to leave their sex-filled sexy-time underwear lying around). As Paternity Lab Center specialist Kip Charles puts it,
“There is just no legitimate reason or lie that a wife can come up with for having another man’s semen in her panties.”
Assuming there’s no team of dastardly super-villains out there who get their jollies breaking into women’s houses and ejaculating into their underpants, it’s kind of tough to argue with that logic. But, then again, if your partner catches you trying to procure a sample, it’ll also be pretty tough to come up with an explanation for just what in the name of everloving fuck you’re doing with their fucking underwear.
Here’s their list of 29 Signs Of Infidelity
- – Hiding cell phone
- – Unusual Work Meetings
- – Sudden interest in going to the gym to get fit
- – Makes lots of bathroom trips
- – Partner suddenly starts dressing nicer
- – Takes longer to get ready
- – Takes showers immediately after coming home
- – Comes home smelling fresh like Irish Springs
- – Does not have time for you
- – Accuses you of cheating
- – Suddenly has new ‘friends’
- – Gut feeling
- – Lies about their whereabouts
- – Makes excuses for missing dates or planned events
- – Doesn’t return your calls or text
- – Makes excuses to “run errands”
- – Lack of intimacy
- – Sudden schedule changes
- – Sporadic late work days (OT)
- – Argues when you try to look at their computer
- – Has computer secured or locked down
- – Increase in mysterious and/or late night phone calls
- – Phone is now on vibrate when it never was before
- – Separates themselves from family time or quality couple time
- – Phone attached to hip (won’t leave the room without it) or has phone on lock down
- – Sex Stops
- – Doesn’t seem interested in you anymore
- – Stops public affection
- – Attempts to justify behaviors or gets defensive when asked ‘what are you up to?’
