9 Traits Your Dominant Should Have. By Mister_Emm
Though it’s hard to break down a whole into a sum of its parts, Ive had been reflecting on what traits make someone a successful 
(good?) Dominant. Using those I know personally, I’ve analyzed their personalities and– though I’m sure there are traits that I’m missing– I’ve tried to hone in on the nine facets of their personalities that I think Dominants should have.
This is not a post on being charming (talking about how you can playfully tease a submissive, make them laugh with your genuine sense of humor, or woo their pants off with romantic prose)– this is simply about the personality traits that, in my opinion, are most likely to ensure someone’s success as a Dominant. With no further ado:
1) Integrity
You must be someone who does what they say, has good reasons to do the things they do, apologizes when need be, and tries their best to work within some ethical guideline. If you tell someone you will show up somewhere to see them, you must; if you do not, you are teaching your submissive (or whomever, really) that you are not entirely trustworthy. Beyond that, you must not simply be doing things “because you can.” Yes, I realize when one is Dominant that it’s easy to use “because I can” as a justification, but the reality is usually deeper than that. If I’m using a flogger on my girl, though “I can,” it’s also because she enjoys the pain and I enjoy the release it gives both of us. If I tell my submissive she’s not allowed to attend a certain event or play with a person, it cannot be due to simple jealousy– it must be due to an actual reason, such as someone who’s outed a member of the community attending the event or the person with whom they want to play being known for ignoring limits.
Furthermore, if you make a mistake (as is bound to happen), you need to be culpable and apologize for it. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to impact you right there!” Control is important in D/s and if you do something you didn’t mean to (whether emotionally or physically), you need to own up to it. Dominance isn’t being perfect nor is it always being right. You must work within an ethical guideline and be responsible in order for a submissive to trust you.
I debated calling this one respect, as well– as you must respect the limits of your submissives and respect the dynamics of those you play with– but ultimately integrity was a wider net to cast.
Possible negatives: Overanalysis, rigidity within moral guidelines, agreeing to an overabundance of obligations
2) Leadership
This seems incredibly obvious, but the nature of what it means to be a leader is often overlooked (and is synthesized in many of these other traits). If you want someone to submit to you and support your vision (for not only your D/s dynamic but yourself), you must display traits that show effective leadership. If you expect your submissive to be disciplined by going to the gym, for example, you must also be keeping yourself physically fit. You must ensure that you are doing things not from pure selfishness, but for reasons that hold up to scrutiny.
You must also be willing to deny your submissive things they want, though you should never deny them the things they need. You must ensure clarity in the vision of what your relationship will be and initiate changes if they need to happen. It is easy to become complacent– especially in a long-term D/s relationship– but you must not do this. Furthermore, you must be the one to effect change and take charge where need-be. Sometimes, yes, it’s important that what one does is self-motivated (and that has its own place), but as the Dominant, you are expected to take charge. Do so. Lead by example and do not fear your role; your submissive is willingly giving up control to you and trusts you, so trust yourself.
Possible negatives: Dictatorial control, aversion to input, selfishness
3) Stoicism
Be the calm in the storm. Be the rock. Your submissive looks to you for guidance, structure, and support– embody those things. If your submissive misbehaves, it’s all too simple to respond with anger (or another emotion that may not be the most effective or appropriate). Let’s take an extreme example: your submissive cheats on you. It is easy to become vindictive and attack them where they’re weakest (and as a Dominant you likely know just what that weakness is). It’s easy to get angry and yell. It’s easy to do a lot of things you’d regret doing.
Instead, you need to be the one to calmly respond in a logical manner and dole out consequences. You need to be the one to calm your submissive when their headspace is wreaking havoc on them. You should be the one to look dangerous situations in the face and talk through what must be done without sounding full of terror and trepidation. Now, does this mean you can never be open? Of course not. However, in the case where something is amiss with your submissive, it’s your job to engage that and ensure you do your best to help.
Possible negatives: Apathy, indifference, desensitization
4) Knowledge
If you don’t have a baseline of knowledge, it’s virtually impossible for a submissive to respect you; even if they’re new to the scene, they will understand you don’t know things you claim to know (which goes back to integrity). It is not inherently bad to lack knowledge, as everyone starts somewhere, but you need to do your best to grow your own knowledge by seeking opportunities to learn.
You are, as a Dominant, often the teacher. From the point of view of someone who is a teacher in his everyday life, I know I need a great depth and breadth of knowledge in my content-areas to draw upon. If, for some reason, there’s a topic I do not know about, I must teach myself or learn from someone who is more knowledgeable than I am. A good Dominant, in my opinion, has a lot of knowledge but is always thirsty for more and will seek out opportunities to learn and grow both themselves and their submissive.
Possible negatives: Arrogance, unwillingness-to-learn, uncertainty in self
5) Decisiveness
Your submissive is trusting you to make decisions, so you must– in fact– make them. Your submissive wants a leader and ergo wants someone who’s decisive. This does not mean you are tyrannical, but rather that you make decisions when necessary or prudent. Whether that’s you choosing a restaurant to go to for dinner or which events to attend, being able to make the choice itself is vital.
Now, to be clear, that doesn’t mean that you should never offer your submissive options; if you read some of my prior writings, you’ll know I find options incredibly important in a functioning D/s dynamic. However, if you give your submissive options, you have already done a great deal of decision-making for them by limiting choices; if they continue to push, afterwards, asking you to decide (even if there’s discipline for not following your task) you must be able to do so. Remember, this is your ship, so to speak– helm it and decide its course.
Possible negatives: Tyrannical, controlling
6) Consistency
I’ve spoken about this before in my note “How to Properly Discipline Your Sub,”but if you are inconsistent, your submissive will never know what to expect and that will cause either pushback or (at the least) trust issues. If you tell your submissive that they will have to write lines if they keep forgetting to capitalize “You” when referring to you as their Dom but you enforce the punishment, you’re showing that you are inconsistent and that your rules have leeway.
This applies even moreso if you have multiple submissives. Yes, each submissive is different and may have some slightly different procedures to follow, but in terms of ones that overlap, you must be consistent. This prevents jealousy and this prevents anyone from doubting your authority, intent, or follow-through. Beyond discipline, being consistent in terms of your personality ties into stoicism; if you are always changing your (emotional) course, it’s difficult for someone to follow where you lead.
Possible negatives: Rigidity, stubbornness, “letter of the law” versus “spirit of the law” issues
7) Discipline
This takes on two pieces: discipline in terms of “punishments” and self-discipline. Some people may disagree that, as a Dominant, you need to have rules, procedures, and punishments; that is their right, of course, and I know some functioning dynamics that manage just fine without those things. However, in a 24/7 total power exchange, I believe discipline is necessary to ensure consistency, leadership, integrity, and — honestly speaking– to strengthen the nature of the D/s relationship.
In terms of self-discipline, as I hinted at earlier, you must be disciplined by being ever-vigilant and ever-improving. You need to follow-through with things you say you’re going to do; you need to look at your submissive and have difficult conversations or take difficult actions and it takes discipline to consistently do this; you need to look at yourself and see where you can improve. It takes the utmost amounts of self-discipline to do those types of things time and time again. Both forms of discipline are important, as they are both about empowering and strengthening the dynamic you’re in.
Possible negatives: Unappreciative, too focused on growth vs what is there, focus on punishment rather than pleasure
8) Confidence
If you are certain you are acting consistently with integrity (and because your submissive has chosen to give up power to you), you can be confident in your decisions. Failures are inevitable and you must own up to them, but as long as you’re acting based on the tenets listed here, you should feel assured that you are acting in the best interest of yourself, your submissive, and the dynamic/relationship as a whole. If you’re improving yourself and ensuring that your submissive is always improving themselves as well, nothing should cause you extreme doubt in terms of the way you act. Know your worth and competence; reinforce them with your attitude.
Possible negatives: Arrogance, narcissism, ignorance of factors you’re unaware of
9) Openness
Communication is vital in any relationship, but doubly so in D/s dynamics. We practice this in the scene all the time when we negotiate and when we ask for permission or consent. When you’re involving yourself in these kinds of relationships, you’re expecting your submissive to bare themselves to you and let you in completely. In doing this, some submissives withdraw into themselves for protection; some submissives shut down out of fear of disappointing you; some are afraid to offend or that you’ll leave; some are fearful of something completely different. One of your jobs is to ensure that communication is open and honest on both sides. Doing so will help assuage your submissive’s fears and enable you to build a healthier relationship with them.
You, too, should never be fearful of expressing a concern if you do it in a respectful way. The reality is that, beyond the “negatives” of all this, being open to showing your emotions and desires is incredibly important to any functioning relationship– you cannot shut down completely! Again, lead by example here.
Possible negatives: Oversharing, overanalyzing, “psychic” syndrome (trying to predict what someone’s feeling all the time)
These are what I believe to be the most vital traits for a Dominant to have. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and want to know what you think: Do you think I missed something? Do you think I’m completely wrong and have screwed up the D/s world irrevocably? The original post was over on Fetlife
