Ten things I’ve learned from Two Marriages and a Decade of being Polyamorous
I found this great polyamorous blog laurellkhamilton.org, Laurel just posted these 10 things she has learned over the last ten years.
1 Do not date drama llamas. Do not date people that are prone to drama, just don’t. No one is that pretty, no sex is that good – no drama queens, or kings.
2 Remember that you aren’t perfect either. No one is perfect, don’t expect it, don’t look for it, because if you do, you are doomed to be continually disappointed.
3 Love means different things to different people. Do not assume that because your last girlfriend loved getting flowers, that your current girlfriend doesn’t see them as funeral flowers, and is trying to figure out a way to tell you, “Please, stop buying me dead plant matter.”
4 People have different hierarchies in love: I put great sex near the top of my list, if that’s not present, then I will not even date you, let alone get into a serious relationship, but I know a surprising number of women that put sex fourth, or lower on their “love list”. Some of the things they put higher on their list ; financial security (whatever that means to them), someone who wants to be the breadwinner, wanting children, good father. Not all men put sex at the top of their list either. I’ve run into several that put emotional security, companionship, good mother, wants to stay at home with kids, or doesn’t want to stay at home with kids, higher on their “love list’. Make sure the love of your life has the same priorities in this area, as you do, otherwise it will eventually destroy your happiness together.
5 No one wants to think they are wanted just for sex. I’ve found that even if the relationship begins with sex, even if the man and I negotiate that it’s going to be about hot, monkey sex, eventually he will feel bad if he doesn’t feel appreciated for other fine qualities. Even your friends with benefits, if it’s to continue as a relationship, needs to know that you like them, even if your friendship is mostly about the booty call. Make people feel appreciated, and make sure they know what you need to feel appreciated to.
6 Men are not mind readers – let me repeat that – men are not mind readers. That’s right my fellow women, the men that want to date you, are dating you, are in a relationship with you, married to you, cannot read your minds. So, it’s up to you to tell them what you want, how you want it; what makes you happy, what makes you sad; you must communicate with them. If any of you have ever said, “If you loved me, you’d know why I was mad at you.” You are setting your lover, boyfriend, husband, up to fail, or get so frustrated there’s going to be a serious fight. Talk to the man, or woman, in your life, ladies, please.
7 Men, most women need you to talk to them and tell them what you need, want, and what makes you happy, or sad. Yes men, I’m talking mostly to you, though any women who date women you get #6 and #7. The strong silent type is fine, but not if it leaves your girlfriend, lover, wife, in the dark as to your emotional wants and needs. We can’t make the shared relationship wonderful, if half the couple is a mystery that never talks to us about anything important.
8 Ladies, don’t push too hard on the communication if the man has never been taught, or encouraged to talk about his emotional needs and wants, it’s going to be weird and uncomfortable for him. The men need to try, but we need to encourage their efforts in this area, but not too hard, or too constantly. Baby steps if they’re one of those men that isn’t an emotional sharing sort of person. If you think 7 & 8 contradict each other, not really, it’s a dance between the two of you, to figure out what’s comfortable for both of you, and how much you both need from each other in this area.
9 If a woman asks a man, “What are you thinking?” and the man says, “Nothing.” Just believe him, men have this wonderful ability to actually still their minds and think nothing for minutes at a time. I know, as a woman, it’s hard to believe that everyone’s mind isn’t going a thousand miles a minute, but it’s true of most men, and even some women. If you insist they had to be thinking something, they will be pressed to make something up, or get angry that you didn’t believe the truth.
10 If you’re with a woman that changes her clothes a lot before going out, please, do not get angry about it. Do not grab a shirt, or shoes, and say, “This matches, let’s just go.” Or, “You look good enough, let’s go.” If your lady is the type to do this, then just budget enough time to let her try on a dozen outfits, before she’s ready to go out. You don’t have to understand why she does this, when you think she is beautiful in anything. Honestly, I’ll do it on occasion and it’s like a compulsion, even I don’t understand it. You will not break a woman from doing this, if she does it, so you can fight about it constantly, or just accept it, and deal.
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