On and Off and On and Off again

Its been a little while. Apologies. I’ve had some mixed things going on recently, still mopping up the messy end of the last thing, a milestone birthday to contend with and the ‘sparks’ friendship I mentioned.

Firstly the messy end, to be honest I’m done talking about it but I’ll give you a brief overview just so you don’t feel left out. Basically she conducted herself in such a way that made me truly see the person she isn’t. The person I thought I fell in love with and wanted to be with. That had two effects, it stopped me pining for her and feeling like a love sick puppy, it also because of the circumstances made me angry. It’s been over a week without contact (apart from civilities at work) and the situation has a solution from my point of view without need to contact her so the anger on my part has pretty much subsided. She will never get inside my head again or anything from me. She’s left herself now in an awkward position but to be honest thats no longer my problem or concern.

If I feel the need to come and rant about her actions again then I’m sure you’ll all be the first to know but I think I’d like to attempt to permanently park it.

Birthday was fun, I was gratefully and humbly reminded just how many good friends I actually do have, I’m  crap friend sometimes and lose touch with people far to easily, so it was a great surprise that so many gathered over two evenings, I wont go into details as like most of those things you had to be there.

So the ‘sparks’ situation… I’ve been an arsehole, despite my best intentions not to be, I have ended up doing exactly what I didn’t want to do. I told you how amazing a person she is, I listed all her qualities and all the things that make her great. None of that has changed. I also told you there was an initial spark between us. I thought I could kindle that spark and grow it into something more. It has grown but for me its growing into a brilliant friendship. Why have I been an arsehole? Because she felt it to and I lead her to believe that could grow. Not once but three times I said yes then no. In my own defence every time I said yes it was truly from the bottom of my heart with the best of intentions but then I would wake up and something just wouldn’t feel right.

Don’t ask me what, she is faultless. I should never have put her or me in that situation at a point where I was so emotionally vulnerable, that probably doesn’t qualify as arsehole so much more a little needy and pathetic.

So on to the big question (isn’t there always one?) Can you still be friends once the boundary has been crossed? From her point of view having built up an expectation of what it could be. From my point of view with guilt and knowing what she wants? Currently I’m emotionally closed to a relationship anyway, friendship however is really important to me so I’m prepared to give it a go. Thats up to her though if I was her I’d probably be prepared to give me a kick in the bollocks instead.

We shall see.